


Aftermath

by SyntheticWinter



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 11:23:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyntheticWinter/pseuds/SyntheticWinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath, Kaidan searches for Shepard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aftermath

He remembered this feeling, remembered the sharp bite of sorrow and loss. He’d felt something like it in the fight with Saren, watching Shepard duck and weave, firing back bursts with his assault rifle and barking orders. He remembered wondering if this thing could even be killed,or if this would be the last thing he ever did. Then Saren fell, and there was relief – for all of about five seconds. 

And then there was a blinding rush of confusion and Shepard was gone, buried under bits of wreckage. He scrambled to his feet and lurched forward, ready to start digging, sure that Shepard was still there, somewhere. No way had the man he’d fought with been taken down for good by a ship. Anderson drew him back, shook his head, and Kaidan’s shoulders slumped. Shepard… He’d never gotten the chance- no, that wasn’t right. He’d never found the courage to tell Shepard how he felt, and now any chance he might have had was dead. 

He turned, closing his eyes against the knowledge that Shepard was- 

A noise made him turn back, and the complete, crushing relief he felt seeing Shepard come limping over the debris, a wide smile splitting his face, almost made Kaidan’s knees buckle. Shepard was alive, and Kaidan vowed in that moment to do better to keep him that way. 

That was around three years ago, now, and so much had changed, and so much hadn’t. The Normandy’s destruction. Horizon. Mars. Apollo’s. Late nights spent simply holding Shepard, talking quietly as they watched the stars. The security of knowing Shepard would be there.

But now here he was again, staring at a pile of rubble and knowing Shepard was under it, somewhere, fighting the bile rising in his throat at the thought. But this time in addition to the sorrow, there was a desperate, biting panic. 

Shepard was not going to leave him, not again, not now that he knew how Shepard tasted, what it felt like to hold him.

But as he searched the wreckage, hands shaking in fear and exertion, he started to doubt. It had already been four days with no sign of the Commander. Shepard was extraordinarily lucky, but luck runs out eventually. He’d already survived one death. A second might be asking too much…

He remembered his panic and anger from four days ago, remembered being physically restrained as he tried to leave the med bay. Remembered fighting with everything he had, fighting the arms that held him down, fighting the weakness coursing through him from his own blood loss, fighting even the sedative Dr. Chakwas injected into his arm when Garrus and James finally managed to hold him still enough. Remembered Liara’s sad, compassionate look as he went under. 

He woke up calmer, less panicked at least, but angry as hell when he remembered what had happened. Even more so when he found out they’d crash-landed on a planet god knows how far from the Citadel and the ship wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. The crew was cautious around him, but he channeled his anger and frustration into fixing the damn thing. The sooner the Normandy was operational, the sooner he could get back to John. If he was even alive. Kaidan shoved that thought away and focused on the repairs. 

Twenty-six hours of intense, sleepless work later, he’d repaired the drive core and the thrusters and was making steady progress with bringing the kinetic barriers back online. It was slow going without EDI, but his tech skills were more than up to the challenge, and with Tali’s help, the Normandy was in decent enough shape to fly.

Joker, though much more subdued than normal, was still an excellent pilot, and despite the slap-dash repairs, he managed to get them safely off the ground and back to Citadel Space… or, whatever it was called now.

Kaidan dug through the rubble for as long as they would let him, hands torn and bleeding, migraine flaring and throbbing at the edges of his vision with every biotic lift. Occasionally, someone, usually Liara or James, would pull him away, sit him down, shove a protein bar in his hand, and stand there until he ate it. Then he’d be back to it as quickly as he could.

By the fifth day of digging, one week since the final battle, the search was beginning to slow. Most of the survivors had been found, most of the bodies recovered. There was still much to do, but some of the efforts were dwindling as resources were reallocated. The official priority was shifting to helping the injured, arranging memorials for the dead, and starting to rebuild. Kaidan’s priority was still Shepard.

On the eighth day of his search, when Liara had pulled him aside for his requisite protein bar, she stopped him as he rose to resume searching. “Kaidan, have you been checking your messages?” Kaidan stared at her. Of course he hadn’t – he’d been spending all his time moving rubble, looking desperately for any sign of Shepard. Liara looked faintly embarrassed, but Kaidan couldn’t summon the energy to do anything about it. 

“You should… take a moment and read through them. Hackett sent everyone… you know, maybe you should just read it yourself.”

Kaidan nodded, but when Liara made no move to leave, he sighed. “Now?”

“I… think that would be best.”

Kaidan pulled up his omnitool display for the first time in more than a week. He had a dozen or so messages, but he skipped over them to get to Hackett’s, dated two days ago. As he read through the text, his expression grew progressively darker. When he spoke, his voice was flat with tightly controlled anger. “He’s ordering us to Vancouver.” Liara nodded. Kaidan stared blankly at his omnitool a moment longer, then closed the display and stood. 

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to find Shepard.”

“What about Hackett?”

“…I need to find Shepard, first.”

* * *

Thirteen straight days of searching – fifteen since the final battle, fifteen days Shepard spent alone, buried in rubble, horribly injured-

Kaidan swallowed.

Maybe it had been quick. Maybe the pain had been minimal. God, he hoped so.

He felt torn. He wanted Shepard to be alive, couldn’t really believe that the man was dead. But… it had been over two weeks with no sign. No body, but… nothing else, either. His chest ached, but it didn’t really feel like Shepard was gone. He would know, right? Surely something would feel broken or missing if Shepard, if he-

Kaidan bit down hard on his tongue.

On the other hand, it had been two weeks, and he hated the thought of Shepard spending all that time crushed beneath debris, bleeding out or unconscious. 

So yeah, he wasn’t feeling too good these days, too settled, one way or the other.

Everything was still swirling around in his mind as he stood in front of the memorial wall on the now-fixed-much-better Normandy, staring at Shepard’s name in his hands. He’d been standing here awhile, unable to place the plaque on the wall. Somehow, that would make it final, make it real that Shepard wasn’t coming back this time.

It was stupid, really, but he didn’t know if he could lose Shepard again, like this. 

He continued to stare at the plaque in his hands while the others shifted uncomfortably around him. He heard a quiet sob and was suddenly, irrationally angry. They were acting like Shepard was dead. As soon as it came, the anger left. That’s because to them, Shepard was dead, or as good as. Wait, that wasn’t fair. These were good, loyal, astoundingly brave people. Kaidan knew that if they believed there was even a chance Shepard was still out there, they wouldn’t stop until they found him. 

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them. He took a step forward, steeling himself.

Just as he raised his hand to place the plaque holding all that was left of Shepard, his omnitool flashed an incoming comm link. He thought about ignoring it, but pathetically, he wanted anything to delay the inevitable. He opened the link and Hackett’s face filled the screen. “Major Alenko,” he nodded in greeting, then, in true Alliance fashion, got straight to the point. “We’ve found him.”

* * *

Kaidan didn’t remember the rest of the conversation, or the long hours that followed it. He didn’t remember the trip to London, or the blur of time spent in the hospital waiting room while Shepard was in surgery. He ate mechanically when someone or other put food in his hand. Other than that, he stared at the wall or the floor. He couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t leave. Not again. So he sat, and he stared, and he waited.

* * *

Sixteen hours later, the walls were starting to look like ceilings, and the ceilings like… well. He was exhausted, but he was absolutely not moving from this spot until he heard that John was going to be okay. Or the other news, the news that would not come, he kept telling himself. 

When the doctor came to tell him what was going on, he raised bleary eyes, guardedly hopeful. The woman’s smile was all reassurance, and he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His chest loosened and he took what felt like his first real breath in weeks. Shepard was going to be okay.

* * *

Over the next two weeks, Kaidan spent almost all of his time at the hospital. Liara managed to convince him to go home a couple times to sleep “more comfortably,” but he found that it didn’t work so well and always came back within a couple hours. He much preferred sleeping in one of the chairs beside Shepard’s bed, or on the cot one of the nurses had brought him. He still wasn’t sleeping well, but it was better when he could be near Shepard, could hear the heart monitor and reach out to touch him if he needed to.

He spent a lot of that time talking to Shepard, just mindless chatter about what was going on in the world, just something to fill the endless silence. Something to try to keep Kaidan’s own panic at bay. Shepard had yet to regain consciousness since they’d brought him in, and no one was completely sure why. They’d repaired as much of the damage as they could – and there’d been a lot of it. Shattered femur, broken ribs, punctured lung, cracked sternum, a torn muscle or two… not to mention all the cuts and bruises. He was told there was no cranial trauma – thank god for helmets – and that all the tests were coming back normal. Shepard just wasn’t waking up.

So Kaidan talked. He didn’t know if Shepard could hear him, but it didn’t matter. 

* * *

He was asleep when it happened, slumped in the uncomfortable chair beside Shepard’s bed, fingers curled around Shepard’s, needing the warmth, the extra reassurance in addition to the steady beeping of the heart monitor.

The beeping was actually what woke him. The rhythm sped up, and he jolted and rose, still half-asleep, to go get someone. He was only a couple steps away when he stopped.

The soft sound almost didn’t register, but as soon as it did, he was instantly awake. 

He glanced back and almost tripped.

Shepard’s eyes were open. Not just open, but alert. He smiled at Kaidan, and the sentinel broke.

He rushed back to the bed, clutching Shepard’s hand tightly, struggling to see him through the tears. “Oh god… Shepard…”

It was all he could manage.

Shepard smiled at him again, just a tiny quirk of his lips. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. “Told you I’d be waiting.”

Kaidan’s laugh sounded almost like a sob.

He reached for the glass of water on the side table and carefully brought it to Shepard’s lips. The man took a quick swallow, then reached up and held the glass himself, meeting Kaidan’s eyes over the rim. Kaidan laughed again, quietly; it was so like Shepard to want to do everything himself, to not let anyone take care of him. And just this once, Kaidan allowed it.

“How long…?” he asked as he set the glass aside.

“A little over four weeks.” Shepard didn’t need to know that Kaidan knew that number down to the hour. 

Shepard grunted but didn’t say anything further.

Kaidan couldn’t seem to stop touching him. He had a tight grip on Shepard’s hand, fingers stroking over as much skin as they could reach, unable to believe that the hand he was holding was now holding him back. He couldn’t stop staring, either, eyes tracing the lines of Shepard’s face over and over again, skating over the lingering bruises and familiar scar along his hairline, coming to rest again and again on the wonderful, amazing blue eyes looking back at him. Looking at him. Alive. Awake. Aware. Here.

“Come here,” Shepard whispered, and Kaidan did, leaning closer until Shepard leaned up and met him halfway, pressing their lips together. Kaidan moaned faintly, relief coloring the sound. He’d been so afraid to never have this again.

The kiss got a lot deeper than Kaidan sensed either of them had meant it to. One of Shepard’s hands came up to tangle in his hair, the other dropping to his hip to pull him closer. It took Kaidan a moment to remember where they were, and why they couldn’t do this. He pulled back to rest his forehead against Shepard’s. 

When they’d caught their breath, Shepard smiled and leaned in again, but Kaidan kept just out of reach. The hand on his hip tightened, and Kaidan made a small sound. “Shepard. We can’t.” Oh, but he wanted to. 

“Why not?” And Shepard just had to go and do that…

Kadan pulled further away, causing Shepard’s hand to fall from his hip. He linked their fingers instead. “Shepard. You are in a hospital bed. You just woke up after four weeks. You don’t even know how badly you were injured because the first thing you try to do is-” He broke off with a ragged breath. “Sorry.” His voice still sounded harsh, tightly-strung. He took a breath and tried again. “Sorry.”

Shepard was quiet for a long moment, seemingly lost in thought. Finally, he raised his eyes to Kaidan’s and asked, “Did it work? The Crucible, I mean.”

His fingers tightened on Shepard’s in a quick squeeze. “Yeah, it worked. The Reapers were destroyed.”

“And the geth? EDI?”

Kaidan’s gaze sharpened. How did Shepard…? Later, he told himself. “They’re… gone, too.”

Shepard closed his eyes, and Kaidan squeezed his hand again. “Not your fault.” When Shepard just shook his head, eyes still closed, he repeated, “Not your fault. You did everything you could, Shepard. More than most. Hell, more than anyone.”

Shepard didn’t respond, and Kaidan was suddenly desperate.

“Shepard. John. Look at me.”

And finally, he did, but suddenly Kaidan was out of words. He brought a hand up to gently cup Shepard’s jaw, mindful of the healing bruises, and squeezed the fingers still tangled in his with the other. He opened his mouth, but still there was nothing. And somehow Shepard, like always, understood. He leaned into the hand on his face and pressed a quick kiss to Kaidan’s palm. 

“So. How bad is it this time?” He tipped his head to indicate his body. “I can feel the ribs and the leg. Anything else?”

Kaidan ran through the list of his injuries for him, after offering to get a doctor and having Shepard refuse. It wasn’t like Kaidan didn’t know, anyway; he’d had it explained often enough. Shepard grimaced slightly when he got to the part about his sternum, but took the rest of it remarkably well. Figured, Kaidan thought. The man had been dead once. Broken bones and extensive muscular damage was nothing in comparison.

At the end of it, they were both quiet for a while, just taking comfort in the warmth of touch, in being here. Together.

When Shepard moved to kiss him again, Kaidan didn’t resist. 

It quickly grew heated, Shepard’s tongue chasing his when he pulled back to breathe, drawing him back into the kiss until he was lightheaded from lack of oxygen and the relief that Shepard was going to be okay. Kaidan lost himself in the kiss, blinking in surprise when he found himself straddling Shepard. He kept his weight carefully off of the man beneath him, conscious of his injuries. Shepard made a frustrated sound and Kaidan realized he was trying to arch up to grind against him. Kaidan compensated for him, lowering his hips and bringing their arousals into delicious contact. This time, the sound Shepard made was closer to a contented hum as he bit lightly along Kaidan’s jaw and shifted slightly against him, rubbing himself against Kaidan’s thigh.

One of Shepard’s hands found its way back to his hip while the other tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck, fingertips brushing his amp port and causing his hips to push down harder against Shepard’s. Shepard’s fingers tightened on his hip, tugging him down, and Kaidan pulled away with a gasp. 

“Your leg-“

“-can take it. Please.”

Kaidan was already shaking his head when Shepard repeated, quietly, ”Please,” and Kaidan realized just how badly the other man needed this, how badly they both needed this.

In answer, he claimed Shepard’s mouth again.

He braced one arm beside Shepard’s head, freeing the other to touch him. His palm stroked over Shepard’s chest, gentle over the bandages around his torso, fingers hot where they found skin. A light brush over a nipple elicited a gasp, and a quiet moan when he did it again. He stroked lightly downward, fingertips barely brushing over the bandages, not wanting to cause any additional pain. Shepard was probably in enough as it was. Or drugged nearly out of his mind. Either way.

Kaidan’s hand slipped under the sheet draped loosely over Shepard’s hips, pushing his underwear out of the way, his fingers closing around Shepard’s hard length. His lips quirked up. Not quite that drugged, then. He stroked his hand once over the entire length, enjoying the weight and heat in his palm after all this time.

Shepard arched into the touch, and this time his gasp held a different quality that made Kaidan look up in alarm.

“Fine, it’s fine,” Shepard said hurriedly. Kaidan glared at him distrustfully a moment longer until Shepard gently urged him back down. Kaidan relented, returning his lips to Shepard’s. His hand, which had stilled, resumed its stroking, and Shepard moaned quietly into his mouth.

Kaidan broke the kiss with a gasp, burying his face in the crook of Shepard’s neck when the younger man groped him through his pants. Shepard made a contented ‘hmm’-ing sound as he shifted his grip. The move caused the fabric to rub over Kaidan’s erection in a very pleasant way, and he unconsciously rocked forward into Shepard’s hand.

He felt Shepard’s fingers scrabbling to unfasten his pants and pulled back enough to help. Between the two of them, the pants were shoved down to mid-thigh, where they tangled and became impossible. Despite Shepard’s protests – and rather reluctantly himself – Kaidan swung off of Shepard to stand and remove his pants properly. He considered a moment, then stripped off his shirt as well before carefully climbing back onto the bed to straddle Shepard.

Skin on skin felt damn good after so long without it, and Kaidan moaned faintly, leaning down to kiss Shepard while carefully keeping his weight off the other man’s torso. His hand crept back to Shepard’s length even as, ever mindful of his injuries, he resisted the urge to grind his own erection against Shepard. So he was startled when Shepard’s hand landed heavily on his hip and dragged him closer, encouraging Kaidan to rub against him.

He buried his face in the juncture of Shepard’s neck and shoulder, kissing and sucking the skin there, enjoying the heat and the scent that was uniquely Shepard and the pulse he could feel racing beneath the surface. Shepard used his hands on Kaidan’s hips to control the rhythm as they ground together, and Kaidan was content to let him lead. It was hot – and a welcome relief after what felt like forever – and Kaidan was pretty sure he could come like this. Quickly.

He slanted his mouth over Shepard’s at the same time as he tightened his hand on Shepard’s cock. He was damn close just from the taste and smell and feel of Shepard. His mind was hazy with pleasure and relief, so at first he almost didn’t register that Shepard was pushing him away. When he did notice it, he immediately froze. His eyes shot to Shepard’s, afraid he’d gone too far and had hurt him. Stupid. It was stupid to be doing this so soon after Shepard woke. It was selfish, and Kaidan berated himself for it. 

But when his eyes met Shepard’s, there was no recrimination there, only heat. “I want to be inside you.” 

Kaidan shivered at the gravelly rasp in Shepard’s voice, even as he nodded, calculating. Shepard was all but incapable of moving from the bed, so Kaidan would have to be on top. That was fine. He loved riding Shepard, and he knew Shepard enjoyed watching him.

They had no lube, but saliva would work just fine. Kaidan grunted as he pushed two fingers inside himself, too impatient to wait. Shepard’s hands kneaded his hips, shuddering along with him when he added a third. He glanced down at Shepard’s cock, hard against his belly and glistening with precome, and felt his mouth water. Shepard caught the look and, making sure Kaidan was watching, moved one hand to give himself a slow stroke. Kaidan groaned, removing his fingers as he shifted down the bed, pushing Shepard’s hand out of the way and taking him into his mouth. He tried to be economical, just to get him ready, but he couldn’t resist lingering, swirling his tongue around the head, lapping up the precome, before sinking down to take Shepard into his throat. 

Shepard’s fingers pulled at his hair and he reluctantly let the man’s cock slip from his mouth, licking his lips to savor the last traces of taste. He moved to straddle Shepard again, gripping his cock and positioning himself over it. Shepard’s hands settled back on his hips, steadying him. He took a deep breath and exhaled as he pushed down. He gasped sharply but didn’t stop moving, biting his lip against the burning pressure. Shepard’s fingers tightened on his hip, and he knew the other man was restraining himself. Finally, he settled flush against Shepard, panting. 

They stayed like that for a moment, just savoring the closeness, until it became not enough. A wordless look passed between them and they started moving at the same time, Kaidan lifting himself up before pressing down again, Shepard’s hands guiding his movements. Within moments, Kaidan’s thighs were shaking with effort and pleasure. Having Shepard inside him felt so damn good.

He sped up without thinking, chasing the high of that deliciously thick stretch, the pleasure of Shepard’s cock pressing against his prostate. Shepard’s hands tightened on his hips, pulling him down more forcefully on each slick slide. They were both breathing harshly, trying to bite back the sounds, but there was no holding back Kaidan’s moans. He leaned down to bite at Shepard’s shoulder, causing the other man to cry out and try to arch into him. It was obvious the move caused Shepard pain, but it was also clear the other man didn’t care. His eyes were hazy with pleasure, mouth slack as Kaidan rode him, and for the moment, pain was the farthest thing from his mind. Kaidan couldn’t resist; he leaned in and kissed him, and that was it.

He poured his whimpers into Shepard’s mouth as he came between them, feeling Shepard follow only a moment after. He was just about to collapse against the other man when he remembered, catching himself just in time to avoid crushing Shepard’s injured torso. Quickly, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hold himself here long, too exhausted from weeks of little sleep and from the power of his orgasm. He reluctantly pulled himself off of Shepard, immediately regretting the loss of having Shepard inside him. He wanted to lay his head on Shepard’s chest and fall asleep listening to his heart, but knew he couldn’t. Instead, he got to his feet and searched around for some tissues. Gently, he cleaned Shepard’s chest and stomach. Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on how easily embarrassed one could get – most of it had landed on the bandages around his ribs. There would be no explaining that, and there were no spare bandages in the room so Kaidan could change them himself. Well, he reasoned, it wasn’t like he hadn’t been embarrassed before. In fact, it seemed to happen a lot where Shepard was concerned.

When he went to pull on the rest of his clothes, Shepard stopped him, reaching out to grasp his hand and draw him back to the bed. He gave a tug, and Kaidan understood, climbing gingerly into the bed beside Shepard. There was hardly any room, but Shepard shifted over as much as he could, and they made it work. Kaidan tucked his head in the juncture between Shepard’s neck and shoulder and closed his eyes, breathing him in. His hand rested lightly on Shepard’s chest, over his heart. Shepard’s arm tightened around his shoulder’s, telling Kaidan he understood but they didn’t need to talk about it, and Kaidan pressed a brief kiss to his skin in gratitude, feeling his eyes burn. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about how close he’d come to losing Shepard. Again.

Shepard sighed and seemed to settle in, and Kaidan could feel himself starting to drift. He fought it, not wanting this to end, not wanting to wake up and find out it was all a hallucination brought on by exhaustion and emotional distress. Shepard, like always, seemed to understand. He placed a soft kiss into Kaidan’s hair and whispered comfortingly in his ear – nonsense, mostly, but it didn’t matter. What mattered – what soothed Kaidan enough for him to eventually fall asleep – was the sound and cadence of Shepard’s voice, and the implicit promise that he would be there when Kaidan woke.


End file.
